Notes on shame

• Shame, as I am using it, is the abandonment, betrayal, vilification, or negation of oneself on behalf of a real or imagined other that may be a person, an idea, a value, an institution, a tradition, or any other thing or being.

• In this usage, it is not an emotion, as it is most often described in psychology literature. It is a mental process by which we become disconnected from our true, authentic selves. An array of emotional responses may result, most commonly fear, rage and grief.

• Shame is learned.

• The “reservoir” of shaming processes, which initiates and perpetuates shame in individuals and families is the society in which we live.

• In this society, the shaming process is not just socially sanctioned, but shrouded in secret virtue, with a taboo against attending to it openly, acknowledging it directly, or questioning its validity.

• Shame is not “just part of being human”, even though it is pervasive enough in modern human experience to seem so.

• Shame is always and only toxic, never helpful. It is not the same thing as respecting social mores for fear of rejection, as some have suggested. It is not the same thing as guilt. Shame is a self-destructive learned mental process that offers no benefit and can become a habituated state.

• Shame is often associated with trauma, but it is not the same thing as trauma. It does exacerbate trauma and interfere with the healing of trauma.